You, Me and the Patriarchy — The Role of Systematic Power in Sex

Trigger warning: Mention of abuse

What do you like in bed? Would you say that you are kinky? If so, why? Where do you think your preferences come from? And do you think they are harmless? Not a smooth way to start a conversation, but forgive the awkward introduction. It serves a purpose, a promise. 

Horny on the main

A specter has been haunting the internet for some time now – and it’s horny. The internet has always been home to the horniest pockets of society, but a few years ago, it was impossible to publicly and freely share your personal sexual preferences on the main accounts. After all, that’s what the infamous Finstas were for. Being “Horny on Main” was once the ultimate online faux pas—the descriptor given to anyone who accidentally or intentionally engaged with sexy content on their main account. But now the internet is a thirsting, fiending world where the top lore of the land declares: “God gives his toughest battles to his horniest soldiers.” Private, secret “finstas” of the past have bled into many people’s personal accounts, too. From thirsty memes to sexually-charged recipes, people are creating and sharing kinky content on their public accounts—especially on Tiktok (who would have thought). 

TikTok is becoming the app du jour for the majority of the population, and its influence on humour and culture is undeniable. It’s fitting, then, that TikTok is where the journey down the rabbithole, to trace the genesis of social media’s accelerating hornification, begins.


Episode 8 | Teaching your next date how to cook. #desserts #churros #datenight Description Below! Satisfaction Score 17/20 Taste 9/10 Be my Churro! Makes 10-12 long sticks Serves 2-4 Tools: Piping bags, star tip nozzle* *Note: The number of eggs used depends on the size of the star-tip nozzle, with a diameter of 14mm or less being ideal. Using two eggs is recommended if you have a star-tipped nozzle with fewer ridges, such as only four tips. This is because the dough is less thick, providing less room for expansion and reducing the likelihood of bursting compared to using a larger nozzle with more dough. Churros: – 375g water – 30g sugar – 2g salt – 90g butter – 1 tsp vanilla essence – 1 or 2 eggs (see notes) – 225g flour – 1-2l vegetable oil, canola oil – Small Nuttela Jar (optional for Churro garnish) Process: 1. Bring water, sugar, salt, vanilla essence, and butter to a boil over medium-high heat in a saucepan. 2. Reduce heat to medium. Add flour and whisk vigorously until the dough stops sticking to the sides of the pan. 3. Remove from heat and allow the dough to cool to almost room temperature. 4. Add the specified number of eggs (one for larger nozzles, two for smaller nozzles) and whisk vigorously until the dough comes together. 5. Place the dough in a piping bag with a star-tip nozzle. Pipe shapes directly into hot oil at 350°F/175°C. The suggestion is to test one first to see the approximate cooking time. 6. Alternatively, freeze the dough for 45 minutes, like a stick or circle, to hold the desired shape. Cook until golden brown. Allow to drip off on a prepared paper towel or drip tray before coating in cinnamon sugar. Chocolate Sauce (makes extra for easier dipping): – 100g heavy cream – 200g Lindt milk chocolate – 25g golden syrup – Pinch of sea salt Process: Gently heat all the ingredients together until everything has melted. Keep the sauce warm just before serving. Garnish: – Can of whipped cream – 250g-500g strawberries, halved (leaves discarded) – 30g raspberry or red fruit jam, strained and seeds discarded – 1-2 tsp sugar Process: Prep the strawberries by adding a bit of sugar and raspberry or red fruit jam. Plate immediately and add whipped cream.

♬ streets x kiss it better – sped up – INDRAGERSN

But why is it that everyone is suddenly posting so publicly about why they love cream pies and who they think has found the G-spot and who hasn’t? From Meme Pages, over to culinary thirst traps, where creators are tapping into the inherent sexiness of possessing cooking with impeccable editing and an emphasis on ASMR, to literal food porn, especially from a self-taught chef whose desserts are served up with a side of BDSM. Notable captions include: “I’m putting you on my to-do list”, “Now spread your legs and try to tell me about your day” and “Look me in the eyes & tell me you’re coming.” 

So apparently not even the food genre is safe from the horniness of the internet or its creators. None of this would be a problem if there wasn’t another discourse circulating on Tiktok. Namely: Kinky vs. Vanilla. Let’s start with the terminology: “Vanilla” is online slang for when something or someone is a bit boring, generic or interchangeable. A bit like vanilla ice cream, which is unexciting compared to other flavors. As Urban Dictionary describes, it can also be applied to sexual preferences. 

Basically the opposite of the kinky community, which likes to share its preferences, experiences and adventures both IRL and online. As said, no problem in itself. But what started out as a harmless exchange quickly turned into a real gauntlet for those who identified themselves as more vanilla. People online (mainly young girls) quickly had to justify why they had never tried BDSM or why they didn’t like being consensually hit by their partner, essentially forcing them into a scene they might not want to be a part of. A strange movement of young users quickly developed online who talked about the wildest sex fantasies, called older men “daddy” and generally seemed to be into the kinky scene. 

Thoughts on misogyny in the kink community

Does this mean that the open discourse on sexuality and preferences has merely led to people coming to terms with different sexual preferences earlier and, above all, more openly? Sure. Social media has always helped groups to share and educate in some way. 

But there is also a darker side. Back to the initial question. Do you think your sexual preferences are harmless? Do you believe that young (if not underage) people should also practise them? 

No doubt, sexual fantasies are good for us. They allow us to explore our sexuality, make our love life more fulfilling, and give us something to do. Some people climax by dressing up as a dog and taking their master for a walk, while others enjoy sex with demons. And then there are fantasies that are not so easy to have fun about and, above all, are much less likely to be talked about—even after a few splashes with friends. Violent fantasies, for example.

by JeCorey Holder

Let’s look at an example: A man and a woman are in a monogamous relationship. They have sex, they try new things and while having sex he hits her in the face. It’s consensual.. So far, so good, isn’t it? We agree that when a man hits a woman in any other context it is patriarchal violence. So why do we accept it when it happens in bed? Isn’t it conceivable that this is also patriarchal violence, because without the influence of patriarchy, would the woman have given consent at all? Why does it excite a man to hit a woman? 

In the end, this kink could be nothing more than a pretext for men to live out their fantasies of violence towards women. Outside of patriarchal notions of power, there shouldn’t be a reason why someone should find it arousing to be violent towards a woman. Sure there are a lot of women who enjoy these kinks, be it BDSM, power play, degradation, or humiliation for erotic pleasure. For a lot, it all boils down to bodily autonomy, choice, and consent. Owning your body and demanding what it wants sounds a lot more empowering, but even if you only do it to make the woman happy because she finds it arousing, you are favouring the preservation of these patriarchal structures. 

Don’t get it twisted, this is not kink-shaming. This is criticism of openly violent behavior. With cries of kink-shaming, people attempt to silence any sort of valid call out that targets the predators standing among them, the oppression that often masquerades as kink, and the violence that they themselves may be complicit in. 

Header Image: Via Cheex