10 years of me – Blessing or curse?

I just turned 34, live in Berlin, look hot for my age, am funny, open and have many creative interests and talents. I have cool friends, earn my own money, and I am facing almost ten years of being single, soon. Not on purpose, though. 

With years of wrong practice, patterns, disbelief and toxicity you‘ll definitely manage to stay alone for quite some time, easily. Even if you try not to. Berlin is a tough city. But also, there are moments of personal big truths, that will change you and your future patterns completely, the longer you stay with yourself and the more often you fail in interaction with others. 2020, the year of new beginnings, I told myself, so I did some self reflecting. What changed for me in that weird decade between 20 and 30 and what were my learnings so far?

In general I would say those past 8 years were such a crazy time, because I had to deal with so much stuff that never before had been a topic. As I turned 27, I had to make life decisions on my own and for my own. Childhood, school, university, the first long term jobs, big loves, heartbreaks and personal strokes of fate I had survived, but what was the plan now? With my hangovers getting worse and worse it was quite easy to change priorities and environment. That helped skipping “Club 27” a lot. Since I didn’t fit into my circle of nightlife friends any longer at some point, I also chose to leave my shared flat and the district of Neukölln to move to Prenzlauer Berg, which brought me much peace and time structure. Since I was suddenly on my own, surrounded by young yuppie families with a whole different time schedule, I could balance myself and calm down. Being banned from Facebook due to some political conflicts with a group of racists, one or two years later, was the last step for me to overthink my future and leave stuff behind. Standing in front of no social media all of a sudden was a reality check, so when I discovered Instagram a year later, having no other social media platforms, I first of all didn’t take it too seriously and second, I created my own cloud of good energy by looking at positive content. The rest did the algorithms. That way I got in contact with more creative people and motivated myself a lot to also make sure I keep doing things I love.

The first part of my thirties felt like reorganization and self studies. I made mistakes on different levels, but at the same time overcame so unbelievably many fears, that I constantly had to put the puzzle of my personality back together again. As you realize you actually can do anything, no matter how fucked up life might be at some stage, you’re also naturally brought to self-love, if you choose so. There are people who start being cynical or in despair, but I decided to make myself happy, instead. I took myself to the theatre or to concerts, bought myself flowers, took time to invest into my health and all of a sudden felt so comfortable that I lost interest in looking for something that might be there or might be just a reflection in my head, something I saw in the movies.

I had so much respect for myself at some point, for handling every obstacle on my own, that the decade of self studies changed to the decade of social studies. Dating became more like an experiment. I was open if somebody wanted to really value me, but words didn’t feel like the truth any longer. I had heard so uncountable many stories and lies and ambitious plans and no action had followed, that I became more provocative over the years. If you don’t need anybody, you’re as much likely to play as if you’re really needy, even though the motivation is completely different. I saw broken guys as a way to confront myself with stress to check if I had myself together, always sticking around for way too long, to force them to speak up for once. I can tell you, as I am writing it down, this sounds so weird, but it also gave me the feeling of finally stepping up for myself, not letting people just get away with ghosting and all that dysfunctional behavior that really hurts and that comes with “Netflix & Chill”, Tinder, clubbing hookups, fallbacks, all the stuff I tried or that happened when I was around twenty. Everybody who can follow these twisted thoughts: leave it behind, for real! They won’t give you justice if they’re too puzzled to even know what’s going on with themselves. It’s easy to feel safe with broken people if you have been there before, too, but if you managed to find your way out on your own, you better let them find their ways out on their own, as well. 

You don’t need distraction in your life, if it’s filled with self-love, friendship, curiosity and passion. Of course, you might get confused from time to time. It’s not easy to always stay true to yourself if the only thing you actually can’t do for yourself, which is romantic love, just doesn’t find you. Whenever I thought I was ready and whole, I had to fail again to understand that there was more for me to add to my list of learnings, so I learned that we don’t stop learning, ever. And I learned that it is absolutely necessary, to know what you don’t want or need in your life. Experience matters! It seriously all happens for a reason, you just need enough space and distance to find out!

Everybody needs love from different sources with different features. There is no right or wrong and being mad or sad if a connection doesn’t flourish is absolutely human, but it’s getting easier the better you know how to handle your own thoughts and how to let the emotions pass without oppression or the risk of drowning in them. So if you stumble from heartbreak to heartbreak or if you feel insecure about your future, if you feel stuck or dynamics repeat, stay alone for at least one or two years, I would recommend. Also, it helps to create a real life bubble of good energy, just like creating a new social media account. You decide, who you add to your timeline and the rest will follow! Sometimes you might think „this is never going to end“, but I believe that everyone will have personal epiphanies when living life alone for a while. And then I believe there is a good chance for healthy love and relationships for those who found out about themselves, because those will never be afraid to tell and share their needs and beliefs and emotions and really this is the key to everything. In a big city it can just take a little while to meet the right ones, nothing to stress about.