There’s a scene in the cult classic coming-of-age film Frances Ha, where the slightly messy, very lost and highly relatable main character confronts her best friend in a bathroom stall, shouting, “Sophie, I fucking held your head while you cried! I bought special milk for you. I know where you hide your pills. Don’t treat me like a three-hour brunch friend!”
No one prepares you for the friendship drift that happens in your 20s.
The film humorously captures the strangely isolating feeling of your 20s, as you sort out career and life aspirations while dealing with changing social dynamics and diverging paths. Frances and her best friend Sophie are inseparable, living and life-ing together, knowing the other person’s day-to-day, their thoughts, dreams, fears, little quirks, and bad habits. Until one day, something- or everything- shifts.
Suddenly, spontaneous hangouts turn into scheduled Google Calendar “catch-up” brunches. And you’re no longer experiencing life together; instead, you’re just updating each other about it. The conversation topics shift from dreams, date debriefs, and inside jokes to your work stress and the furniture you’re saving up for.
Even in my own social life, I have recently noticed a shift. What used to be a fun, slightly silly annual Secret Santa gift exchange among my group of girlfriends has now turned into a chore to find a single date that works for all of us. It sounds small, but it actually reflects a larger change. Spontaneous hangouts and trips together have become rarer and more challenging to plan. The realities and priorities in our 20s are shifting like tectonic plates in a slow but steadily spreading earthquake, creating rifts that are no longer so effortless to cross. The closeness we once took for granted starts to feel more fragile.
“Friendships, even the best of them.
are frail things. One drifts apart.” – Virginia Woolf
Friendships become harder not because we care less, but because our lives stop running in parallel. Some friends are starting grad school and moving away, some are getting married, some are recently single and going out every weekend, whilst others are in the full-time corporate grind.
The author and podcast host Mel Robbins calls this phenomenon of no longer being in the same space or at the same pace as your friends “The Great Scattering”.
“There is a massive shift that happens in adult friendship when you hit 20,” she explains, “and no one sees this coming.” As children and teenagers, we’re in structural systems (school, university, etc.) where we are surrounded by peers moving through life at the exact same pace while being in the same physical places. You spend most of your waking hours experiencing life together. In a University of Kansas study, researchers found that it takes around 90 hours of time together to move from an acquaintance to a friend, and more than 200 hours before you consider someone a close friend. And not just time, because the study found that hours spent working together, for example, did not have the same effect. But quality time, such as exploring new places together and trying new things, deep talks over a shared meal, spontaneous hangouts, laughing together, is what actually strengthens connection.
Timing is only one of the three pillars of friendship, according to Robbins. The other two are Energy and Proximity. “The number one predictor of friendship is how often you see people,” she explains. You have to be around people not only to become friends, but to stay friends. And when proximity fades, maintaining the same emotional closeness becomes far more difficult.
So what do you do when you are no longer in the same classes, city, or even time zone, and at totally different points in your lives? Can you revive a drifting friendship? And how do you know when it is time to let go?
I spoke to friendship expert and author Anna Goldfarb, and this is where her concept of having an “about” becomes essential.
Anna Goldfarb: “What I learned was that every friendship needs an ‘about’ and that the about needs to be clear and compelling to both people. Why do I seek out that friend? What binds our friendship? And this absolutely changes. Frequently. And that’s part of the challenge of modern friendships.”
The about is the glue that holds your friendship together. Maybe that used to be going out together because you were both single, or bonding over having the same niche music taste, or both wanting to be in a creative industry. But interests evolve. Careers change. Priorities shift. You might have to find a new “about” and exchange bunker raves for early morning Pilates classes. And if you can’t discover new reasons or ways to connect, but instead find yourself cancelling more or feeling drained after meet-ups, it may be a sign. As Goldfarb puts it: “Your behaviour will show if a friendship is important to you or not.”
She also explained why friendship breakups feel more painful to us today. Younger generations, such as Gen Z and Millennials, marry and start families much later, or not at all, so on average, they have 10-15 more years to build deep bonds with friends. “Your parents and grandparents probably did not have this time. So younger people have a different priority on friendships, and they mean more to us.” Combined with our increasingly online life, the growing loneliness epidemic (according to a Gallup survey, more than one in five people feel lonely a lot), friendships matter more than ever.
This is also why it causes us more anxiety when friendships start to change and we drift apart.
I’ve spoken to friends about this and realized how universal this sentiment is, but that it’s not often something we like to admit or address, culturally or interpersonally. We talk about romantic breakups endlessly, but friendship heartache? Not so much.
Here are some films and TV shows that capture this feeling and can help process this life phase. Perhaps they give you the motivation to rekindle some friendships, or help you accept that maybe in other friendships you’re currently just not in the same season of life.
- Frances Ha (2012): for its raw portrayal of drifting apart and finding new identities.
- Sex and the City (1998–2004): for the way these ladies manage to stay connected through different life chapters, relationships, and careers, yet always find the time for a martini or a gallery opening together.
- Girls (2012–2017): for its messy, modern depiction of friend-group dynamics.
- Lady Bird (2017): for the painful transition between high school and adulthood.
- Fleabag (2016–2019): for the grief of losing a friend.
- The White Lotus Season 3 (2025): for the cautionary tale of keeping a friend group alive long past its expiration date.
The key really is to finding new connecting points and integrating friends into your life. It doesn’t have to be that 3-hour scheduled brunch; instead, it could be running errands together, lining up your manicure appointment, or finally conquering the weights section in the gym.
According to The American Journal of Psychiatry, people with close friends are also generally more satisfied with their lives, less likely to experience depression, and even less likely to die from chronic illnesses.
“I think we should go into friendship, understanding that our interests are going to change. The goal is to change together and to keep an open mind. And if I want friendships that last for years and years and years, that’s part of the gig.” Anna Goldfarb
Friendships might become less effortless in adulthood, but the ones that do keep adapting with us become the most meaningful. I’m still trying to organize our Secret Santa this year- the gift theme will probably be cozy socks instead of rhinestone-bedazzled thongs- and that’s fine, honestly. Because what really matters isn’t the gifts anyway, but carving out the time to hang out together, even if finding that time takes longer than it used to.
